Beyond the Gaze

Beyond the gaze

I continue to recuperate my mind and soul in Kerala after my father’s sudden demise a couple of weeks ago. In the span of these last few weeks I continue to attend funerals of relatives and acquaintances that have died in this part of the country. Spotting a person’s death is quite easy given that the largest Malayalam newspaper in this region has a dedicated (paid) few pages to the departed souls who peep out of these columns every morning.

So, needless to stress that during these past few days it has become a daily routine to go through the columns to search for persons departed who may be near and dear but whose deaths sometimes remain unknown to us unheralded in ways having failed to traverse the journey through the dogged maze of daily activity.

Being a keen observer, I have been noticing the various expressions that peep out at me every morning from these departed souls. Some look intrigued, some look on blankly, some are looking beyond the camera lens, some frown, some seem weary, some seem to be hapless victims of their destiny, some make an effort to smile for the camera, others give out an expression of ‘devil cares attitude’, and still others send out a soft sense of approval. The camera catches them at different stages in their lives and moments that, which tell a story to the inquisitive observant.

Follow these expressions, look deep inside and you can narrate a story beyond every individual expression. The ones who frown seems to be up on the edge when their expression was captured. They don’t care for the photographer or the effect that their photo would have on students like me. They are so harassed by the events in life that they would wish to wrap up their shot only too quickly. Every moment spent looking into the camera is a waste of their values and thought process. They are too preoccupied within themselves to give a damn to what others would think of them.

The one who looks intrigued is like someone who has lost his horse to a bolt of lightning. He seems stranded without knowing where to go or what to do. He is caught in the moment of indecision just when he seems to have lost his grapple on life. He is asking the question why me and why now? He seems to be probing others on the purpose of his life. He is like an oarsman paddling his boat which is anchored to the shore not knowing why it is not moving.

Now look at the one who seem to stare at you blankly. For them life has been a struggle, and they are not enthused by the end result. They behave and feel like a numb limb which the doctor tries to knock on to see if it holds some sensation. No amount of knocking will help them regain their lost vigor and no amount of coaxing can get them out of their stupor. They are like souls departed from the body but hanging on to a loose thread of life which stare back dangerously at you, ready to snap any moment, not wanting to prolong things but not capable of snapping the cord on their own.

Reflect on the weary looking ones and you can see the toil on the lines of their forehead. If there was any way you could hold their hands you will surely find it rough due to hard labour. The eyes signal tiredness out of years of being constantly focused. The face seems to copy all the emotions that reflect out of their eyes. The look seems to tell us that they had a fulfilling life albeit tired having travelled through the rough and uneven roads and bearing all the upheavals that it offered. There is a glint in their eyes, so common to having given off their best. A sense of satisfaction seems to be conveying out of these faces that look back at us through the pages.

Some seem to be looking beyond the lens of the camera having effectively negotiated the various twists and turns and having gained a handful going through life. They seem to convey in ample measure that there is more than what meets the eye. They are the ones who have gone to their graves with the fruits of their labour harbored inside them. They are the ones who had a fair measure of life but failed to empty it fully while they could. They are the ones who seem to carry things way beyond what everyone seems to understand. They somehow remind us of the pharaohs of Egypt who lay buried with kingly treasures and divinity around them.

The ones with devil cares attitude are the ones that I like the most. They have spent their lives knowing full well that the wick in the candle could be burning furiously. They were the ones who anticipated the breeze to blow out the candle even while in full glory. They are the ones who had a zeal for life and what it offered. They are the ones who gave it all they had and took back in equal measure. They are the ones who do not have a single lapel of regret pinned on their burial shroud. They are the ones who paved their own paths in life and lived life - each to his own. They are the ones who espoused the theory of going out with their boots strapped tightly on.

Some of us while saying ‘cheese’ camouflage these feelings and expressions so as to send out a cozy sense of fulfillment to the outside world. For them, what matters is what matters to others; they risk their self and emotions in fulfilling the aspirations of the world. They are like a kid out to paint for the first time, painting the picture of a dark cloudy sky along with the sun shining brightly in the background, or trying to depict a well tarred road by painting it pitch black amidst a colourful landscape.

12^th January 2017

Pulladu