Beyond the gaze
I continue to recuperate my mind
and soul in Kerala after my father’s sudden demise a couple of weeks ago. In
the span of these last few weeks I continue to attend funerals of relatives and
acquaintances that have died in this part of the country. Spotting a person’s
death is quite easy given that the largest Malayalam newspaper in this region
has a dedicated (paid) few pages to the departed souls who peep out of these
columns every morning.
So, needless to stress that
during these past few days it has become a daily routine to go through the
columns to search for persons departed who may be near and dear but whose
deaths sometimes remain unknown to us unheralded in ways having failed to
traverse the journey through the dogged maze of daily activity.
Being a keen observer, I have
been noticing the various expressions that peep out at me every morning from
these departed souls. Some look intrigued, some look on blankly, some are
looking beyond the camera lens, some frown, some seem weary, some seem to be
hapless victims of their destiny, some make an effort to smile for the camera, others
give out an expression of ‘devil cares attitude’, and still others send out a
soft sense of approval. The camera catches them at different stages in their
lives and moments that, which tell a story to the inquisitive observant.
Follow these expressions, look
deep inside and you can narrate a story beyond every individual expression. The
ones who frown seems to be up on the edge when their expression was captured.
They don’t care for the photographer or the effect that their photo would have
on students like me. They are so harassed by the events in life that they would
wish to wrap up their shot only too quickly. Every moment spent looking into
the camera is a waste of their values and thought process. They are too preoccupied
within themselves to give a damn to what others would think of them.
The one who looks intrigued is
like someone who has lost his horse to a bolt of lightning. He seems stranded
without knowing where to go or what to do. He is caught in the moment of
indecision just when he seems to have lost his grapple on life. He is asking
the question why me and why now? He seems to be probing others on the purpose
of his life. He is like an oarsman paddling his boat which is anchored to the
shore not knowing why it is not moving.
Now look at the one who seem to
stare at you blankly. For them life has been a struggle, and they are not
enthused by the end result. They behave and feel like a numb limb which the
doctor tries to knock on to see if it holds some sensation. No amount of
knocking will help them regain their lost vigor and no amount of coaxing can
get them out of their stupor. They are like souls departed from the body but hanging
on to a loose thread of life which stare back dangerously at you, ready to snap
any moment, not wanting to prolong things but not capable of snapping the cord
on their own.
Reflect on the weary looking ones
and you can see the toil on the lines of their forehead. If there was any way
you could hold their hands you will surely find it rough due to hard labour.
The eyes signal tiredness out of years of being constantly focused. The face
seems to copy all the emotions that reflect out of their eyes. The look seems
to tell us that they had a fulfilling life albeit tired having travelled
through the rough and uneven roads and bearing all the upheavals that it
offered. There is a glint in their eyes, so common to having given off their
best. A sense of satisfaction seems to be conveying out of these faces that
look back at us through the pages.
Some seem to be looking beyond
the lens of the camera having effectively negotiated the various twists and
turns and having gained a handful going through life. They seem to convey in
ample measure that there is more than what meets the eye. They are the ones who
have gone to their graves with the fruits of their labour harbored inside them.
They are the ones who had a fair measure of life but failed to empty it fully
while they could. They are the ones who seem to carry things way beyond what
everyone seems to understand. They somehow remind us of the pharaohs of Egypt
who lay buried with kingly treasures and divinity around them.
The ones with devil cares
attitude are the ones that I like the most. They have spent their lives knowing
full well that the wick in the candle could be burning furiously. They were the
ones who anticipated the breeze to blow out the candle even while in full glory.
They are the ones who had a zeal for life and what it offered. They are the
ones who gave it all they had and took back in equal measure. They are the ones
who do not have a single lapel of regret pinned on their burial shroud. They
are the ones who paved their own paths in life and lived life - each to his
own. They are the ones who espoused the theory of going out with their boots strapped
tightly on.
Some of us while saying ‘cheese’
camouflage these feelings and expressions so as to send out a cozy sense of
fulfillment to the outside world. For them, what matters is what matters to others;
they risk their self and emotions in fulfilling the aspirations of the world.
They are like a kid out to paint for the first time, painting the picture of a dark
cloudy sky along with the sun shining brightly in the background, or trying to
depict a well tarred road by painting it pitch black amidst a colourful
landscape.
12th January 2017
Pulladu
